(*BEFORE YOU READ*: If you feel like you are at immediate risk of attempting suicide, please call a suicide hotline, your therapist if you have one, 911 or go to your nearest hospital.)
The strong desire to want to end your life is not this grand negative we’ve been told it is. You might be thinking, but it is! It causes so much suffering for others!
This can be true if the suicidal person acts on it and succeeds. But if you’re reading this, the fear and guilt around that can make things worse, and didn’t help before if you tried in the past to kill yourself as I have multiple times.
What you are actually experiencing is an inner death, an internal change. Your soul, spirit, heart, consciousness, brain, psyche or whatever term you prefer is in the midst of making a major adjustment, like a doctor stitching up a wound not fully anaesthetized, or a nurse pulling a large shard of glass from your foot. It hurts, like Hell, and it’s actually not your fault.
It’s not your fault you’re in so much internal torment, even if you tend to blame yourself as I did, even if you have hurt others or got addicted to substances or behavior, “ruined” your life, pushed others away, physically or emotionally abused others or committed whatever else your community or society deems as negative or unhealthy. Everything negative and positive you’ve done you actually were supposed to do and couldn’t have done differently as part of your soul’s journey. It’s not really anyone’s place to judge.
Western society is centered around shame, guilt, anger perfectionism. It pervades our media, advertising and the programming others carry in how they act and talk, many of them unconsciously. This is also not your fault, even if you helped perpetuate it in the past, though very likely if you are reading this, you have tried to change it or push against it because you can see what’s wrong, and you’ve been made to suffer for it, abandoned, discarded and attacked. If that’s you, know part of what you are feeling stems from attacks on your soul by malovelent forces, or just people with malovelent wishes, you may not be able to see or know of, or you do and have been fighting for a long time.
But it’s also not important you believe that, or anything I or anyone else believes. You are not responsible for buying into or agreeing with anyone else’s worldview. You’ve probably dealt with too much of that nonsense in your life and you feel exhausted from it.
I don’t want you to try to change how you feel, try to be happy, not for me, not for anyone. Right now your feelings matter more than anyone else’s. You have a right to feel miserable, tired, sad, angry and in despair. You feel the way you do for a reason and in this moment blaming yourself for it is not useful, nor true.
I’m not asking you to stay alive. I’m not going to say you’re needed, or I need you, or you have so much to do, give and receive. No doubt if you’re reading this it’s because you’re greatly afraid of the future and focusing on that right now is not useful. You have a right to want to take control in a self-destructive way.
You don’t need to “get it together,” “pull yourself up by the boot straps,” or toughen up. You are allowed to feel weak, and likely you feel this way because you’ve tried to be strong for too long, probably for other people, especially narcissistic and people who’ve drained, used and betrayed you, and you feel resentful. That’s understandable, you have a right to that anger, and it’s not your fault you were abused.
Don’t pay any attention to people who participate in victim blaming, or try to get you to take responsibility. You don’t have the energy for that and you have enough pressure on you right now. Their opinions don’t matter right now.
The fact you want to take your life is a sign you actually do want to control your life by ending it. It is a subconscious attempt by your true self, your soul, your inner child, true heart, soul, spirit — whatever term you prefer — to reclaim your true power, maybe you never knew you had, amidst great darkness when fear and despair are the only lenses you have.
Suicide is a way of saying you do have freedom, power and control when you feel you absolutely have none. So, the availability of being able to kill yourself can bring relief in that you know you do have more than one choice in life
In the grand scheme, all emotions are neutral, and you’re not being harshly judged by God, the Universe, angels or whatever you believe are benevolent or omniscient powers in the universe. So you can ease your mind by not worrying if God will be sad or angry with you, or punish you by putting you in Hell, or whatever religious doctrine has been pushed on you, which might be a root cause of your suicidality. God, the Universe and existence loves you whether alive or dead. You’re not a sinner or evil for feeling this way or thinking about wanting to end your life. It’s actually very common, among people of all creeds, genders, ethnic background, sexual orientation and class. Most humans have or will experienced suicidality at some point.
I’m not asking you to choose life, follow your dreams, check off your bucket list, overcoming this or that fear, relax, stop worrying, choose love, do yoga, meditate, ask that person out, go exercise, stop that addiction, go see a therapist or go to some support group. I don’t know your life and I don’t know what’s best for you. No one really does. And you may want to kill yourself to get away from or punish people who think they know you, give you unsolicited advice, beg you to stay around for them. Fuck them, they don’t matter right now.
You do matter. How do I know that if I don’t know you? Because something or someone led you to this page, meaning you have a curious and open mind, and open heart, because if you didn’t, you likely would’ve taken your rage out and hurt or killed others without even trying to seek something nourishing, helpful or healing. Undoubtedly you’ve been seeking help for a long time and feel like nothing has worked or helped. Persistently suicidal people are actually the best people on the planet because they’d rather kill themselves than another in a world run by murderous, greedy sociopaths, something that likely angers you, which is great. It is one of the ways in which you are valuable and matter.
You’re in this space because your needs aren’t being met, so what the world wants or needs from you now doesn’t matter, at all. Your brain is not working properly, likely from trauma or abuse, maybe which you aren’t even aware of or remember. It’s not your fault your control room is malfunctioning, leading you to perceive an inner death or inner adjustment as a sign you need to die.
I can only tell you your suicidality is a sign you’re about to turn a major point of healing and liberation, especially if it is a very powerful pain that seems greater than anything you have experienced, or experienced before. That pain may be gone in an hour, a day, or week, but it is just an inner death and transmutation of darkness into light.
If you feel you can’t really do anything, or don’t want to, then please don’t. If you want to call into work sick, or just quit, do that. If you want to call off that interview or appointment or date, do that. Today and right now are about and for you. You deserve to do nothing, be a slob and be overindulgent, and you’re beautiful in that, because you’re not adding to the problems of the world, and practicing self care, even if in a way society or others deem unhealthy. That’s not my place to judge or theirs.
Feel free to indulge in any bad habit, rage to a friend, the sky or on social media, whatever will make you feel the least bit better and like you don’t want to die, and fuck what anyone, no matter how close to you, thinks of what you do. If they’re not more glad you are alive and acting like a hot mess express than dead, they don’t deserve your friendship because you have worth. Today is not a day to try to achieve or plan anything, be your best or try to please or do something for anyone else. Today is a day to be selfish and feel however you want, what you are feeling.
But I can only tell you as someone who felt suicidal most of his life, and acted on it several times, and who completed suicide in his previous incarnation, it won’t end your pain in the way you think, you will be sent back, and that there is a part of you that wants to live if you are reading this. You are about to turn a corner, even if a small one, one source or manifestation of pain will soon be gone and healed. You might be in the painful process of ego death after wish what once disturbed, angered, annoyed and made you afraid will have no effect and you’ll laugh at it.
I only ask you to not feel guilty about wanting to do this, or be mad at or hate yourself. You have a right to feel this way, you have a right to feel your pain and for it to be acknowledged. And even if I may not know who you are, I love you, and you are definitely not alone.