A comedic surrealist flash fiction I wrote for the April 2024 contest for the Writers’ Mill writing group. The genesis of the idea was a friend’s sharing of a Reddit post about the function of photons in quantum physics. I had fun with this one.
The wind warbled through the plaza of the New New York Terrier Times Square. The fresh scent of seawater wafted in the air. Max, the chocolate be-speckled dachshund elected as new mayor five days before, was giving a lecture on quantum physics to the mostly restless crowd of canine citizens.
The dogs inherited the planet after their masters were sucked into a black hole created by their Large Hadron Collider three weeks before. Some mysterious force beyond their comprehension had amplified the fears in the masters’ mass consciousness and created the anomaly. The Incident resulted in a shift in the laws of physics. The now former pets all attempted their best at carrying out their master’s professions in this new world, hoping a similar fate wouldn’t befall them. Naturally, the dogs of New New York Terrier City turned to the most well-versed canine owned by a theoretical physics professor with deferred political aspirations.
A week into his new career, Max regretted his choice to carry out his master’s profession.
“To answer Clover’s question, no a photon is not like a wave of water,” Max said, pinching his nose, annoyed that his lecture had now dragged on for two hours because of elementary questions from the assembled crowd. “A photon is the property that quantum fields are probabilities but only interact as points with anything else. Water doesn’t do anything like that.”
“I’m starving,” said a bulldog from the back of the crowd. “When’s Purina time?”
“How does this help us know when the masters are coming back?” said a German shepherd in front. “I’m scared. It’s been 1,000 years. I still haven’t figured out how to deliver the mail.”
“Rio, it’s only been three weeks” Max said. “You asked me to be your mayor and to shed light on what made the humans go away. Explaining physics to you mutts takes time. I know we’re all anxious.”
Clover spoke up. The beagle’s owner had been a freshman philosophy major at NYU. “I’m still curious, Max. What is a photon then?”
“It’s like if a wave on water could be a mile wide and crash over a city, but then decide to randomly hit only one small dog in the city. Even then it’s ambiguous if the wave ever existed or if a ball of water flew–”
“Ball!? Where!?” exclaimed a golden retriever who then ran toward the front, his tail wagging furiously.
“No, no, Jasper, this is theoretical, there is no ball,” Max said. The retriever looked down and sauntered to the back. “You all keep getting distracted. Let me finish. Like I was saying, it’s like if the ball of water flew out of the ocean and hit the dog.”
“Well, which is it?” Clover asked.
“Well the answer is neither and both are true.”
“That makes no sense,” the bulldog said. “I’m very hun–oh look a squirrel.” He took off after the animal.
“It doesn’t matter, Baxter, it’s just theoretical.”
“But that’s what the masters said about the black hole,” Jasper said. “I’m scared now that could happen. What if I’m that dog?”
“He did say a small dog, so it’s more likely to be someone like Clover or myself,” Max said.
“Heck no, definitely not me!” Clover exclaimed.
“Not me either!” said a chihuahua.
“You’re making us all scared now. You shouldn’t be mayor anymore,” Rio said. “Plus, I have a genius plan to chase the cats away. All those in favor of making me the new mayor, raise your paw.”
The majority of the crowd lifted their right front paw in unison.
“A simple majority wins, Max.”
“Fine! You know what, I don’t care, I’ll go back in my doghouse to work on my master’s theorems. Good luck resetting the laws of physics without my help.” He now realized why his human never acted on his dreams of being a politician.
As Max turned to retreat, the wind warbled more ferociously and the scent of seawater grew stronger.
“Do you smell that?” Clover said, sniffing high and hard in the air. “The ocean seems closer.”
“Yeah it’s intense,” said a bloodhound. “Maybe it’s coming for Max.”
Annoyed, Max turned to face the crowd. “Ha ha, very funny.” In that moment, Max wished such a wave could take them all out.
“Yeah, he doesn’t even know what happened to the humans,” Baxter said. “He’s useless.”
“Wait, do you hear that?” Rio said. “It sounds like…a wave.”
Max turned to see a large wave, a mile high and a mile wide, rushing at the dogs.
“It doesn’t exist! It doesn’t exist!” Clover shouted. “You must say ,’it doesn’t exist!’”
Max couldn’t believe his eyes, or his nose. The crowd rang out in unison, “It doesn’t exist! It doesn’t exist!” But the wave continued to roll, pushing through the spaces between the buildings.
“Look what you did Max!” Rio said.
“It becomes a ball, it becomes a ball!” Clover yapped louder.
“A ball!? Where!?” Jasper said excitedly.
The wave condensed into a sphere and flew toward Max. What have I done? Embarrassed, his head held low, he wished he wasn’t even there. If his master could see him now, he would be so disappointed.
The ball stopped right at Max’s snout. Neither is true. The sphere of water disappeared. He wagged his tail in excitement and turned to the crowd, but saw only darkness.
“Ruh-oh,” he said, before blinking out of existence.
Clay The Scribe 