People will try to push and push you to be what they want you to be because they lack the courage or confidence and self-acceptance to be who they want to be, often because they never made an attempt to know themselves.
They will criticize you, judge you, sometimes passively or jokingly. They may consider you a friend or good partner but the more they learn about you, and the more they feel comfortable around you and earn your trust, may start to express, either through actions or words, how they really feel about you.
It may seem like everyone has rejected you, even friends you’ve known and have dedicated yourselves to, may turn on you during your lowest moment. It will seem like no one, especially those you most expect to, don’t care about or except you. That’s why it is important to associate and be around those who do accept and love you, even if it is just yourself.
You may have dedicated so much of your life to helping and living for others, trying to meet the expectations of others, trying to please them, many of them not returning the favor when you need it most. This may unveil a well of resentment and hatred, and that is OK. You may be oriented to be ashamed of that and turn that hatred on yourself, and that is OK. It is OK because it is part of being human and being a caring, giving person with a sense of remorse. You may, for years, feel shame over words, actions or just thoughts you perceive as wholly negative and unforgiveable, even though they are often misperceptions or minor mistakes you can correct and learn from.
Thereare of course consequences to continuing to absorb yourself in self-hatred. I have lived through many of those consequences, including drug and alcohol addiction, self-injury and suicide attempts, as well as settling for jobs and a lifestyle that further darkened my spirit and hindered me from pursuing my true dreams and purpose.
Building up self-esteem and self-love is difficult for me still, and I know it will take time. I am often resistant to it because it is unknown and therefore scary, scary in part because of fear of what I will lose or how I will change, and that’s OK.
But increasingly seeing my biggest flaw has been giving too much of myself to people who don’t appreciate me, or giving when I have not even taken care of my basic needs, I see my greatest strength, of being a person who gives a shit about others in a world run by predators who only care about themselves.
And over this last year of losing everything I have, going homeless, almost dying in the cold, facing medical crisises, having my life threatened, feeling abandoned by certain friends and family members, realizing the long-term impact of abuse and bullying by family and attempting suicide multiple times, I have become more intimate with who I am to my inner core. Now, whenever I tell myself things like “I’m not a good person” or “I’m not a strong person” or “I don’t deserve happiness,” it hurts more and reverberates like an illogical joke inside of me because I realize more and more, and without external validation, that those beliefs about myself are false, and are only going to slow down my inevitable ascent to pursue what I have always wanted to do and have not been able to trying to live for others.