I keep getting stuck in this rut of pushing people away because if I never build connections or trust with people, especially romantic relationships, I can avoid the deep heartbreak when they inevitably violate, betray me or try to seriously hurt or kill me.
It’s only been since leaving Denver after being abandoned by my narcissistic family members, I fully understood for how long I was surrounded by abusive people or those who were vampiring off of me and how I used self harm and substances to cope but also show in obvious ways the consequences of them mistreating me.
But in the process, invested in deep self hatred, compounding the message to my body and inner child that I am not good enough and should die, leading to suicide attempts when I was homeless and felt no one cared about me or would unless I meet their expectations of me as that had been the case for so long.
In Portland I’ve met so many others like me who resort to such things, or feel they must flee or are forced out by those who were supposed to care for them, and not just those without stable housing or a place to call home. They are kind souls who feel so unwanted and unloved by selfish people in a selfish society, they feel it’s vital to self preservation to isolate, or end their lives to escape and heal what seems like deep woundedness that will never heal.
I’ve also started really hearing such messages and despair in the songs of many artists I love. I was feeling that so much today and was listening to Fiona Apple’s album When The Pawn which is this beautiful treatise on standing on the tension line between wanting to give up on life and wanting to make life better for all without being torn apart by those addicted to maintaining a culture of death and denial.
This particular verse of “Get Gone,” hit me as a perfect encapsulation of the deep anger in my soul I’ve been feeling lately as the part of me that does want to keep living has inhabited my body more than in the last two years:
“How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can’t breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I’m much obliged to up and go
I’ll idealize, then realize
That it’s no sacrifice because the price is paid
And there’s nothing left to grieve
Fuckin’ go”
It has sunk in as this anthem shouted not so much at others but at the enemy inside me, my shadow self, my dark half, the seed of death that has grown too fully in my soul in an effort to want to try to fully extinguish my pain, even though I incarnated to feel not just pure joy that we all are in the non-time moment between birth and death, that we all are at our very core.
I am at the point where I don’t want to take my life, or at least fully know the consequences of doing so, but not interested in living long enough to build intimate connections with people that might wash away my hopelessness and accelerate my healing to the point I see nothing as a negative and have the courage to face anything. And that is a very depressing place to be as I know pushing people away and isolating to that extent will lead me to a shorter life and is really just passive suicide.
Clay The Scribe 