Parallel Depression

The skies over Cleveland were cloudy, just like the ones inside of me. I was waiting for an interview to be a reporter at a newspaper there. I was then aware I had neglected to fulfill my duties as a reporter at The Denver Post and tried to go back.

Soon after I was thrust into a scenario where I was at a mental health clinic with my mom and she was prescribed Vitamin D, while I was told I would have to be held there for three Saturdays. I panicked because I knew I couldn’t miss that much work without losing my job. I ran, out into what looked like a mall in this giant complex, orderlies chasing after me to take me back, thinking if I could just get outside they wouldn’t be able legally to restrain me and bring me back.

Then I woke up, in a lukewarm sweat, feeling I had actually run and with a lingering sense of dread as I phased into my waking reality. This was not the first type of dream similar to this I’ve had, with a few others occurring more recently.

Last week I wrote on my Reiki nightime prayer list that I would like to commune with my parallel universe self, or borrow from him. (It’s a list on which I send Reiki, or universal life force energy to whatever or whoever is on the list, including certain, including certain organs, chakras, places, as well as my past self.) This technique has been used by some spiritual adherents, and is similar to, but not the same as the technique of timeline jumping.

I didn’t really piece together until today that perhaps some of these troubling dreams, aside from too my subconscious working through some issues, were experiences parallel universe selves were or had.

In a dream last night, I was about my same age, but my brother Adam, who is in this life older than me, was younger, and my dad was a politician, or trying to be one, and we lived in Boulder, Colorado (I grew up in Colorado but we never lived in that city). I was dealing with someone trying to steal my car while also my mom went missing and murder was suspected. I was also trying to console my brother, while realizing in this drama I was missing work at The Post, would miss all my deadlines and would likely be fired. I was in emotional turmoil and panic, beset with dread.

In this life I was fired from that job in December 2014 for poor performance. In hindsight it was destined because my mental and physical health were poor, and my heart had left that job the year before, wanting work more fulfilling, something that would have more of a direct, positive impact in people’s lives, rather than telling of past events to elderly people in their retirement clothes, or writing quasi advertisements about businesses or corporations. At the time two colleagues told me it would be one of the best things to ever happen to me. Losing that job, combined with compounded mental health and addiction issues, would lead me to homeless and moving to Oregon, which has been overall one of the best decisions I’ve made for my personal evolution.

In each of these dreams, the underlying current of those existences was that I was still battling mental health issues, that if I would have been able to stay in that job, they wouldn’t get better, and I would not have the time to focus on improving my emotional well-being, or at least not set it as a top priority.

While my 13 months of homelessness definitely negatively impacted my mental health, to the point of being awarded Social Security disability income for my PTSD, it also provided a platform for me to face head on issues I had repressed or not adequately dealt with, including the consequences of completing suicide in my last incarnation, and why I didn’t want to or was afraid to live and stay alive in this one. Homelessness also enabled me to hit true rock bottom with my alcoholism and to see it truly alcohol and drugs could not have a place in my life if I were to decide to live.

I still struggle with my mental health, including anxiety and episodes of depression. But they’ve got easier to deal with because I have had the financial means to meet my basic needs and pursue enhancing my well-being as my full-time job, and secure housing in a clean and sober setting, where I’ve learned a lot about myself, including how to protect my energy, set boundaries, but also learn how important it is to be open to receiving help and support and find people who are headed in the same direction as me.

These troubling dreams that could be me in a parallel life show me my mental, emotional and spiritual issues would still be the same, even if I did have a job, my own apartment and car, all things I thought made me secure and happy, and things I would like again in the future, but didn’t and don’t guarantee my happiness.

The dreams showed me my soul would experience the same lessons to overcome and learn from, and that, despite my problems with my current timeline, it is the optimal and best one, or at least has the most potential to create the future I want, even if others don’t see that.

I see the dreams as a message from my higher self the basic truth that wherever you go, there you are, and to try to increase my happiness in my waking life by practicing gratitude for what I have and cultivating the attitudes I want more of, and want to see in the world, and that true joy does come from Being Here Now.